It’s that time of year again: Valentines Day! You know, the day you either go on a romantic date to your local Starbucks and order the same cup of coffee you’ve ordered everyday for the last five years… or you hide in in your room scorning the very existence of love and watching corny comedy movies to numb the pain!

This Valentines day I wanted to do something very special for all of my readers… beside actually posting another blog post, which is a rarity in itself. This Valentines Day I want to give you that special bit of advice to add a bit of pizzazz to your love life this Valentines Day! Most blogs that share advice on love and romance are typically written by the same type of people: typically they’re super cool people with lots of dating experience! After all, you know what they say, experience is a good teacher right? But you know what’s an even better teacher? Me. Yea that’s right. Me! Most of the blogs you read this Valentines Day will give you suave advice blinded by their own experiences. Some will say “do this,” others “do that.” Each citing the same thing: a exceedingly great amount of experience.

But me, I’ve got no experience whatsoever when it comes to romance! Which makes this loser totally unbiased! Therefore, this Valentines Day (or whatever day you are reading this) I am going to give you expert and unbiased dating advice that will change your life forever! Hopefully for the better!

1. Thinking About Proposing? Try Zoom!

Thinking about proposing? Try doing so on zoom! Physical presences is overrated, while one might think proposing on zoom is a generally terrible idea, some might argue contrary. For instance, with the use of creative backgrounds and filters you might forget that there’s a dirty pile of clothes behind you and think you’re in Hawaii! And if they they say no… you can just kick them out of the meeting! No more awkward car rides and no one will have to see you cry around historical landmarks! Good idea, no? You can thank me later.

2. Ba Da Ba Ba Bah! I’m Loving It!

Need an easy date idea? Go to McDonalds! Some of you already know that this is a no brainer. I mean, come on, what says ‘I love you’ like a Big Mac and fries? And who cares if you gain 5 pounds. Gain those pounds together! Stuff yo mouth with those nuggets! If McDonald’s isn’t your thing, that’s ok. There are plenty of other fine establishments to choose from, such as Burger King, Wendy’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and basically any other deep fried, health deteriorating commercial you see on your local television.

3. Bring along a Third Wheel!

Going on a date with that special someone? Bring along that third wheel you can’t get rid of! Besides, there’s nothing that would make your single friends feel happier than being a third wheel on your date! They could learn a thing or two and see all of the happiness and joy that they are missing out on in life! Also. If the two of you can’t slurp that milkshake down by yourselves, summon that third wheel and they’ll stick their straw in to help you finish! Actually. That’s insanitary. Don’t do that.

4. Skip the Online Dating apps… Play Video Games Instead!

Try turning your favorite video game into a dating app! Are you a gamer? Are you single? Here is an idea, open your favorite multiplayer game and start flirting with every random stranger you see. Everything from ‘Call of Duty’ to ‘Minecraft’ is fair game. The hit game ‘Among Us’ is one of many places people have tried to find love! Try asking if anyone will date you, IN ALL CAPS, while your teammates try to find the killer? It works every time! Though beware, not everyone who says they are a girl really is. Zoinks Scoob! There is an impostor among us!

5. Don’t Watch Chick Flicks

I know its Valentines Day, but romance films are overrated. They are so cheesy, and the same thing happens every time. Instead of watching romance this Valentines Day, trying watching something else. Anything else actually. Superhero films, for instance, is a great choice. They are never cheesy and who doesn’t get tired of watching Uncle Ben die? Bonus points if you can guess that the really rich guy running for mayor is actually the villain. My personal recommendation is the 1990s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, which is perfect for literally every occasion (but don’t touch the Michael Bay films, that will do you more harm than good)! If you tire of the superhero genre (which is impossible), then consider the fan favorite Star Wars film “The Phantom Menace.” Who doesn’t love intergalactic senate meetings and Jar Jar Binks?

Another great Valentine’s Day film is Shrek! Wait… that one might have actually been good advice. Yea. Go watch Shrek.

Well. That’s all I got! I hope you enjoyed these useful (definitely serious) Valentines Day tips. For more dating advice… well, uh, go find another blog, cause I don’t have any more yet. Lol. I said I don’t got experience, right? Now, if you excuse me. I’ll go back waiting for my hour late pizza.

Though if you’re looking for fun, thought, story, and theology, keep your eye on storybunk.com for more sporadic blog posts! And if you liked this (totally not) satirical blog post, tell me! Maybe I’ll do some more in the future. Seriously though, I hope this post brought a smile to your face, regardless of your current relationship status. A cheerful heart is good medicine, so in the words of the great philosopher Han Solo, I say, “Laugh it up Fuzz Ball!”